And my mother replied in a way that seemed rather disappointingly to me then: “Don’t wish your life away.”

Just a few years earlier, my father had been praying to God for my mother’s life when she was very ill. And exactly eighteen years later from that time, chai years later, when I was nineteen, not-quite-twenty, my mother lost her life.

But my mother and her lesson have carried me through every struggle in my life since, struggles far greater than putting on my shoes. Her lesson enabled me to put on those shoes and go on with my day, no matter how dark that day or no matter how much I wanted another day I’d been wishing for to finally come.

On Mother’s Day, I will honor my late mother, now 24 years gone, by appreciating the second life God gave her and by appreciating the life my mother gave me by remembering to live my life fully as it is – not how I wished it would have been.

I am not where I expected to be at 44, still single, not a mother myself.  But as the founder of Savvy Auntie, a lifestyle brand for women who love the children in their lives, specifically women who are not (yet) mothers, I wrote this prose that I always share this time of year:

Babies are born from the womb.
Maternity is born from the soul.
There are many ways to mother.

On Mother’s Day, I will remember that my mother enabled my independence which enabled her to mother me even after she had gone.  Her lesson to her little girl made me appreciate my role as my nephew’s and nieces’ Auntie Melanie, a gift I am grateful for every single day, not one of which I ever wish away.

I want to be a mother.

I know what some of you may say: Have a baby on your own; adopt; foster. And a few of you may say: Sorry, lady, you should have thought of that earlier. You’re just too old.

But I want to be a mother.

I want to be a mother to a baby I’ve given birth to with that infant’s father (the man I have yet to find) by my side, holding my hand: “One more push, honey, one more push! You can do it!”

And I did it!

I want to look into my newborn baby’s eyes and see my love’s eyes. I want to feel that baby on my chest, its heart beating faster than mine, although I can’t believe it because I’ve never been this happy. I’ve never felt my heart beat this way. I want to look at my husband, and have him look back at me with a knowing smile, to say: We did it!

I want to count her tiny fingers and toes. I want to notice that cowlick on her almost bald, little, precious head I know we’ll have trouble dealing with when she gets older. I want to gently touch her cheek with the back on my hand as she sleeps and breathes in my arms. I want to know where those little ears came from and ask my husband if they are from his side of the family.

I want to hold my baby against my bare chest to warm her and calm her as she cries and cries and cries and I know we’re disturbing the other new mother in the bed on the other side of the curtain who finally got to sleep. I want to be determined when I have trouble feeding her, and breathe a sigh of relief when it finally works. I want to count her poops and her pees and how long she sleeps.

I want to make sure I have all the things I need. “Did you bring that extra soft blanket my sister-in-law gave us?” I’ll ask my husband before we leave the hospital. And he’ll say, “Yes, honey, and I just changed her diaper again. Our little bug sure is a good little pisher. And my husband and I will look at each other and smile, knowing how blessed we are that she came, finally, into our lives, little pisher and all.”

I want to struggle with her @#$%^&* car seat and then quickly remember how fortunate I am to have to struggle. I want to wake up at 3:00 a.m. to feed her and calm her while my husband sleeps. I want to nudge him at 5:30 a.m. when it’s his turn, and remember how cute he looks in his boxers and five o’clock shadow as he gets up to feed her. I love him more than ever, I’ll think. I want to feel my belly as I go back to sleep and know it’s time to lose it, not wonder if it will ever carry a baby. Ever. Ever in my dreams.

And I want to let my daughter know she’s loved. I want to encourage her to be independent and able to make her own decisions, fail and succeed, laugh and cry, inspire and be inspired. I want to watch her dance and sing and play hopscotch. I want to listen to her talk to her first little best friend over the phone and wonder how she grew up so fast.

I want to see her spell her name for the first time, so proud of herself. And then I want to see her spell “I love you” for the first time. And I want to see her spell “Mommy” for the first time. I want her to make a necklace out of wooden beads with the letter beads spelling out her name, front and center.

I want to see my husband grow too, as he realizes how much he loves this child who has hair like his wife and a sense of humor like no one he’s ever known. I want to watch him protect her and keep her safe, while pushing her to test her own limits. I want to see the tears in his eyes when she appears in her first ballet dance recital. And I want to watch him shout and clap “Keep going, honey, you’ve got it! You’ve got it!” when he lets go and she keeps steady on her first two-wheel bike.

I want to talk about her in bed with my love, so proud of our daughter and of ourselves for believing we could have her, for believing she would come into our lives. I want to kiss my husband and make love to my husband, knowing our little girl is safe and sound in her sweet pink room, her favorite plush keeping her warm and secure as she sleeps.

I want to read a handwritten card that says:

Happy Mother’s Day!

I love you, Mommy!

And inside a shoebox her father helped our daughter wrap will be a beaded necklace made from her very favorite colored beads that reads: “Mommy” front and center.

I want to be a mother.

I want a Mother’s Day.

I want my dreams to come true, for me, and for the love I don’t yet know: the baby girl (or boy!) who will finally bless our lives.

Happy Mother’s Day to those who will be celebrated. May you always remember how fortunate you are. And to those of you, like me, who are still waiting for love, I still believe this:

Babies are born from the womb. Maternity is born from the soul. There are many ways to mother. Happy Mother’s Day to the other mothers.

___

Melanie Notkin’s second book, Otherhood, lightly based on some of her posts here on Huffington Post Women, will be released in early 2014 by Seal Press and Penguin Canada.

Here’s a sneak peek of the summer issue of GEM Magazine Long Island. The story will be on Savvy Auntie and the 5th Annual Auntie’s Day!

Photo by Ana Schechter.   Ted Gibson salon’s Dayna Goldstein did my hair and Rosie Rodriguez  of Pampadour.com did my makeup.

I can’t wait to share the full story when it’s published!

XOXO,

Melanie Notkin

National Day Honoring Aunts and Godmothers is Sponsored by Savvy Auntie®
– Aunthood is a Gift. This Day is Yours. –

NEW YORK—December 1, 2012—Melanie Notkin, founder of Savvy Auntie, the multi-platform lifestyle brand designed for cool aunt, great-aunts, godmothers and all women who love kids and and national bestselling author of SAVVY AUNTIE: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers and All Women Who Love Kids (Morrow 2011) announces the date for the fifth annual national day dedicated to honoring and celebrating aunts and godmothers. Auntie’s Day will take place on Sunday, July 28, 2013.

Sponsored by Savvy Auntie, Auntie’s Day, is a time to thank, honor and celebrate the aunt in a child’s life, whether she is an Auntie by Relation (ABR), Auntie by Choice (ABC), or godmother, for everything she does for a child not-her-own. While all aunts are celebrated on this day, the day is especially poignant to one in five American women who identify as PANKs®, or Professional Aunts No Kids. PANKs self-identify as childless or childfree and have a bond with at least one child by relation or by friendship. A study entitled The Power of the PANK released in November 2012 by Savvy Auntie and Weber Shandwick, a global PR firm, with KRC Research, revealed that childless aunts are a sizeable segment of younger women with disposable income, dynamic influence, and a digitally-connected lifestyle who are extraordinarily generous with the children in their lives, those children’s parents, and our communities at large. 23 million American women are PANKs and are found to collectively spend $9 billion on gifts for children not-their-own each year.

On Auntie’s Day – a ‘Mother’s Day’ for aunts – aunts and godmothers will be celebrated with special activities and gifts. The official Auntie’s Day web destination (www.AuntiesDay.com) will feature ideas on how parents and nieces and nephews can celebrate the Savvy Auntie in their lives and how aunts can pamper and treat themselves on their special day.

“It’s time that all women in the American Family Village are honored for their selfless giving to the children in their lives,” says Notkin. “An aunt is there to provide ‘QualAuntie Time’ and experiences as a loving caregiver and “ConfidAunt” to her nieces and nephews from the day they are born and as they grow up. Many women without children of their own also give tirelessly to children all over the world. These BenevolAunts are due their day to be honored.”

###

About Savvy Auntie

Founded by Melanie Notkin, Savvy Auntie is the multi-platform lifestyle brand that empowers and engages aunts, serving the PANK demographic discovered and coined by Notkin, and heralded by fabulous kid-loving women everywhere as a modern celebration of Aunthood. Notkin launched SavvyAuntie.com in 2008 and it remains the first and only resource and online community for this demographic. The brand also includes a popular and engaged social media following, Auntie’s Day® – a national day founded by Notkin to honor aunts and godmothers, the Savvy Auntie Coolest Toy Awards and Melanie Notkin’s national bestseller: Savvy Auntie: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers and all Women Who Love Kids (Morrow 2011). As a lifestyle expert, toy expert and a taste-maker for children’s trends, Notkin appears on TV and as a spokesperson for brands. For more information, visit: SavvyAuntie.com and PANKPower.com.

Fortunate is the woman photographed by Ana Schechter. As our mutual friend, Jen Groover, said of this photo: “Ana captured your true essence.”

Thanks to the Dayna Goldstein and the Ted Gibson salon for my beautiful hair and Rosie Rodriguez and Pampadour.com for the makeup.

And many of us decide that this New Year is the year when we’ll make changes. But then, we ask how to start – especially those who are in their darkest moments.

My friend, speaker and author Gabby Bernstein, has the miracle you’ve been looking for. Her latest book, MAY CAUSE MIRACLES: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness (Harmony Books) is the right first step to lead you on the path you are yearning for… a path to happiness.

Gabby is renowned for her spiritual leadership. She was on Oprah’s OWN Super Soul Sunday just a few weeks ago and was featured in The New York Times Style section as “a new role model.” Wayne Dyer says: “Gabrielle is the real thing. I respect her work immensely.”

As do I. That’s why I am delighted to share this video segment with you where Gabby and I talk directly to the Savvy Auntie Auntourage about what happens when your life hasn’t turned out the way you expected, how to exercise those maternal muscles of yours -  and how to manifest your best life. I truly and sincerely embrace what Gabrielle shares in our video and I hope it helps you make your resolutions really powerful this year.

All it takes is a miracle. And Gabby’s book will show you how.

Enjoy! And let me know what you think in the comments below or on Twitter @SavvyAuntie

XOXO,

Melanie Notkin

I know what you’re thinking.

I can read it on your face… the distracted smile, the unconvincing nod, the slightly furrowed brow…

You’re trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Or at the very least, what I’m doing wrong. The questions you ask yourself at the moment you’ve discovered I’m single and childless is: “Why is this woman still single and childless? What’s wrong with her?”

If we haven’t yet met, let me take a moment to describe what will happen when we do. You’ll notice I’m attractive. Not a cover girl beauty, but attractive. You’ll notice I’m petite and slim. I’ll probably be wearing something that flatters me. I’m articulate and bright. I’m certainly someone who some men might find appealing enough to want to be with. And all this makes my circumstance even that much more curious to you.

And as you’re thinking this, you’ll notice I’m smiling back at you, and looking straight into your eyes as I shake your hand firmly, yet femininely. And a conversation will begin or continue about something other than what you are thinking…

So naturally, you’ll be distracted, searching for clues in what I say, or don’t say… in my mannerisms and in my face. You’ll wonder how this happened to me… how I ended up single and without the children I always dreamed I’d have. If you’re younger than I am, you’ll either confirm to yourself that it could never possibly happen to you, or, now that you’ve met me, you’ll wonder if it possibly could.

If you’re married and a mom, you’ll pat yourself on the back for knowing better that I did. Knowing ‘what’ exactly, neither of us is quite sure, but you’ll let out a sigh of relief that you’re safe and sound, despite any hidden challenges you are facing behind closed doors. You knew better, and that’s enough for you.

And the gentlemen… well if we’re on a date, you’ll find a way to let me know that you’re OK with my age, notwithstanding your own. You’ll credit yourself for dating a woman who may no longer be able to have biological children — or be relieved for that very fact. Either way, you’ll let me know. You’ll tell me how you usually date younger women but find women ‘my age’ (often your age) refreshing. Or, you’ll tell me that your friends ‘warned’ you about my age, but you told them it didn’t matter. “You don’t look it!” you’ll say as if it were consolation.

And I’ll be smiling. I’ll take a sip of my wine. I’ll still laugh at your jokes.

But I know what you’re thinking: What is wrong with this woman?

And before I can answer, you’ve come to a series of possible conclusions:

She’s a ‘career woman’ and too focused on her career to be interested in love.

She’s a ‘career woman’ and too cold to know love.

She’s a ‘career woman’ and cannot make a man a priority in her life.

She’s a ‘career woman’ and probably never really wanted a family.

She’s too picky.

She’s not picky enough and made bad choices.

She made a choice.

She never made a choice.

She’s too needy.

She’s not needy enough.

She doesn’t need a man.

She needs a man too much.

She’s trying too hard.

She’s not trying hard enough.

She’s too hard.

She’s too soft.

She’s inflexible.

She’s been too flexible.

She thought she had forever to get married and have children; clearly, she is completely naïve about her fertility.

She never really wanted children or she would have had them.

She’s too much of a feminist.

She’s too much of a romantic.

And in your exasperation of final possibilities you think: There must be something unlovable about her, otherwise, she’d be loved by now.

But you’ll notice something else about me; throughout this encounter, I’m still smiling. You’re now thinking that I’m more confident than an unmarried, childless woman should be at my age. You’re thinking that I’m happier than I should be… that I’m practically glowing, even! What is that about, you ask yourself?

The thing is, you don’t know what I’m thinking.

I’m thinking that my life is not defined but anyone else’s thoughts. Only my thoughts have the power to control my attitude toward life. If you read my thoughts, they would say:

I’m not in the wrong life being the wrong wife. My womb is empty but my life is full. My mother gave me a life and I’m not wasting it on grieving or thinking less of myself for not becoming a mother as well. I am loved. I am loveable. I am, in this moment, the very best me I can be. And while it may not be the life you, having just met me, would expect for me… it’s the life, knowing myself for 43 years, that was meant to be mine.

I’m still growing, still tweaking my imperfections. Every single day, I take another bite out of my potential. But I never bite off more than I can chew. I have left plenty of room for love.

There may be many reasons why I’m not yet married and why I have not become a mother. But the only reason that matters is that it wasn’t yet meant to be.

Hear me when I say I know what you’re thinking. Know me when you believe what I’m saying.

Life is good. Tomorrow is better. And tomorrow we may meet again. And perhaps then, you will think differently.

Brands and Marketers can discover The Power of the PANK – the next marketing frontier – and learn how I, the national authority on the PANK demographic, can work with them as Spokesperson, Speaker and/or Consultant.

At PANKpower.com, one can also download The Power of the PANK report, a joint study by Savvy Auntie and Weber Shandwick with KRC Research.

Spend $9 Billion on Toys and Gifts for Children Annually

23 million untapped “Savvy Aunties” are primed to be engaged by brands

at the holiday gift-giving season and all year-round

– Savvy Auntie® and Weber Shandwick Research ‘The Power of the PANK’ –

NEW YORK, December 3, 2012 – A new joint national study released today by Savvy Auntie and Weber Shandwick with KRC Research reveals that PANKs – or Professional Aunts No Kids – are a sizeable segment of younger women with disposable income, dynamic influence, and a digitally-connected lifestyle, primed and ready to be engaged by brands. Yet, this powerful market remains virtually untapped.

PANKs, the emerging demographic of child-loving women who do not have children of their own, was coined and first brought to the attention of marketers by Melanie Notkin, founder of Savvy Auntie. The sizeable niche represents approximately 23 million Americans, a population size comparable to Black/African American adults (28 million) and a segment larger than other highly sought-after niche markets, such as the LGBT market, estimated to be 16 million. One in five women is a PANK.

“Move over soccer moms. There’s a new group of smart, powerful women spenders out there. PANKs have time, income and a passion for purchasing the best for the kids in their lives,” says Leslie Gaines-Ross, Chief Reputation Strategist for Weber Shandwick. “It’s a perfect marketing trifecta.” Gaines-Ross notes that the marketing world has long and rightfully focused its resources on moms. “But,” she says, “Our deep dive into social networks has revealed vibrant communities of women who aren’t moms. They are groups – like PANKs – that are well worth a marketer’s attention.”

In 2008, Notkin launched Savvy Auntie, the only multiplatform lifestyle brand designed specifically for this powerful segment. As the leader of this tribe, Notkin has become the national authority on, and gatekeeper to, this multi-billion dollar demographic. Earlier this year, in order to more deeply explore PANKs and quantitatively address the business opportunity they present, Notkin teamed up with Weber Shandwick, a leading global public relations firm.

The result is ‘The Power of the PANK,’ the first study released from ‘Digital Women Influencers,’ a survey of 2,000 North American women conducted by Weber Shandwick with KRC Research to identify segments who not only have gone unnoticed in the marketing mix but who are influential in their own right.  “I am thrilled to have partnered with Weber Shandwick on this study to be able to quantitatively confirm the generous contributions of this under-targeted niche. While parents are stretched to their limits, PANKs are able – and happy – to offer support to the children in their lives in meaningful ways. They may be secondary caregivers, but with their emotional, financial and material gifts – not to mention their quality time and positive influence – PANKs play a primary role in the vitality of the American Family Village,” says Notkin. “Plus,” Notkin adds, “PANKs demonstrate sizeable market influence in CPG, home, and service categories traditionally marketed mainly to moms.”

The joint study, available free for download, provides marketers and communicators with key quantitative findings proving PANKs’ value and outlines ways to successfully engage them. According to Notkin, PANKs are the next marketing frontier because while half of all PANKs believe that society overlooks women who don’t have children, there is great opportunity for brands to recognize and acknowledge these women at the holiday gift-giving season, and all year-round.

Why Marketers Are Paying Attention:

Weber Shandwick identified 14 Principles of PANKs – compelling reasons why PANKs are integral to any consumer segment-driven marketing plan. Some key characteristics include:

PANKs are an attractive demographic

PANKs have a higher rate of full-time employment than the average woman and an annual household income that matches that of the average woman. These facts are impressive since PANKs are more than twice as likely as other women to be single. It means that PANKs don’t have to stretch their income among as many people. This household and income profile points to discretionary income as a compelling differentiator from other women. Additionally, PANKs are younger. The average age of a PANK is 36 (vs. 46 years for overall women), a highly desirable age cohort for marketers because it suggests that PANKs potentially have a network of friends and family members with growing families.

PANKs spend money on kids and assist kids’ parents financially.

PANKs estimate that they spent an average of $387 on each child in their lives during the past year, with 76% having spent more than $500 per child. This translates to an annual PANK buying power estimate averaging roughly $9 billion. PANKs also offer economic assistance by providing kids with things kids’ parents sometimes cannot or will not offer them and many have given gifts to parents to help them provide for their kids.

PANKs are avid info-sharers.

PANKs are sharing information on a wide range of products and services. They are exceptionally good sharers of information about clothing, vacation/travel, websites/social networks sites, and products for digital devices but also index higher on traditional “mom” categories such as groceries/food and beverages, home appliances and decorating goods.

PANKs are devoted “nesters” but highly social too.

PANKs are significantly more likely than the average woman to enjoy home decorating and home improvements. They are just as likely as overall women to enjoy domestic life – spending time at home, cooking, entertaining, yard work, and even housekeeping. And at the same time, PANKs are significantly more likely than women overall to enjoy social activities – hanging out with friends, dating, using social networks, volunteering, and participating in sports. PANKs also enjoy attending religious services as much as the average woman.

How to Reach PANKs

To give marketers the opportunity to effectively understand, reach, acknowledge and engage PANKs, Melanie Notkin has developed several platforms designed specifically for PANKs, otherwise known to consumers as “Savvy Aunties,” including: SavvyAuntie.com, Auntie’s Day® – a national holiday to celebrate and honor aunts – and a large and influential social media following on Facebook and Twitter. As ‘America’s Savvy Auntie,’ a national bestselling author, and on-air lifestyle expert, Notkin is regularly called upon as a brand spokesperson and influencer. As the national authority on PANKs, Notkin offers strategic consulting to brands looking for a deeper understanding of the market segment at PANKPower.com. Notkin will announce the first PANK Marketing conference in the coming weeks.

For more detailed information, the executive summary and  infographic, please go to Melanie Notkin’s PANK Marketing Website at: PANKPower.com and Weber Shandwick’s Digital Women Influencers site at: WeberShandwick.com/PANKPower

About the Study

The online research was conducted with KRC Research in August 2012 among 2,000 women, ages 18 and over, in the United States and Canada. The margin of error at the 95% level of confidence is ± 5.1 percentage points for PANKs and ±2.25 percentage points for total women.

 # # #

About Savvy Auntie
Founded by Melanie Notkin, Savvy Auntie is the multi-platform lifestyle brand that empowers and engages aunts, serving the PANK demographic discovered and coined by Notkin, and heralded by fabulous kid-loving women everywhere as a modern celebration of Aunthood. Notkin launched SavvyAuntie.com in 2008 and it remains the first and only resource and online community for this demographic. The brand also includes a popular and engaged social media following, Auntie’s Day® – a national day founded by Notkin to honor aunts and godmothers, the Savvy Auntie Coolest Toy Awards and Melanie Notkin’s national bestseller: Savvy Auntie: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers and all Women Who Love Kids (Morrow 2011). As a lifestyle expert, toy expert and a taste-maker for children’s trends, Notkin appears on TV and as a spokesperson for brands. For more information, visit: SavvyAuntie.com and PANKPower.com

About Weber Shandwick
Weber Shandwick is a leading global public relations firm with offices in 81 countries around the world. The firm has won numerous awards for innovative approaches and creative campaigns, and it has deep expertise in social media and digital marketing. Major practice areas include consumer marketing, healthcare, technology, public affairs, financial services, corporate and crisis management. Weber Shandwick is part of the Interpublic Group (NYSE: IPG). For more information, visit: http://www.webershandwick.com.

 About KRC Research

KRC Research is a full-service market research firm that specializes in the kind of research needed for effective communications—communications that reach, engage and persuade. A unit of the Interpublic Group of Companies (NYSE: IPG), KRC Research offers the quality and custom service of a small firm along with the reach of a global organization. For over 30 years, KRC Research has worked on behalf of corporations, governments, not-for-profits and the communications firms that represent them. Staffed with market research professionals from the worlds of political campaigns, consumer marketing, journalism and academia, we are flexible, practical, creative, knowledgeable and fast, combining sophisticated research tools with real-world communications experience. For more information, visit www.krcresearch.com