Be among the first corporate  sponsors of the Fourth Annual Auntie’s Day, the national holiday to celebrate aunts, godmothers and all women who love children not-their-own.

AUNTIE’S DAY Sponsorship Kit

Fourth Annual “Auntie’s Day™” is Sunday July 22th, 2012
National Holiday Honoring Aunts and Godmothers, Sponsored by Savvy Auntie®

‘Aunthood is a Gift. This Day is Yours.’

NEW YORK—January 9, 2012—Melanie Notkin, lifestyle expert, founder of SavvyAuntie.com,  and author of national bestseller, SAVVY AUNTIE: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers and All Women Who Love Kids (Morrow/HarperCollins) announces the date for the fourth annual national holiday honoring and celebrating aunties and godmothers. Auntie’s Day will be celebrated on Sunday, July 22nd, 2012.

Auntie’s Day, sponsored by Savvy Auntie, is a time to thank, honor and celebrate the aunt in a child’s life, whether she is an Auntie by Relation (ABR), Auntie by Choice (ABC), or godmother, for everything she does for a child not-her-own. An estimated 50 percent of American women do not have children but still devote discretionary time and income to their nieces, nephews, godchildren and other kids. Notkin has dubbed this powerful and influential segment of American women PANKs® – Professional Aunts No Kids.

On Auntie’s Day – a ‘Mother’s Day’ for aunts – aunts and godmothers will be celebrated with special activities and gifts. The official Auntie’s Day web destination (www.AuntiesDay.com) will feature ideas on how parents and nieces and nephews can celebrate the Savvy Auntie in their lives and how aunts can pamper and treat themselves on their special day. In honor of the day, Savvy Auntie will also host promotions for aunties on Twitter at http://Twitter.com/SavvyAuntie, and on Facebook: http://Facebook.com/SavvyAuntie.

“It’s time that all women in the American Family Village are honored for their selfless giving to the children in their lives,” said Notkin. “An aunt is there to provide ‘QualAuntie Time’ and experiences as a loving caregiver and “ConfidAunt” to her nieces and nephews from the day they are born and as they grow up. Many women without children of their own also give tirelessly to children all over the world. These BenevolAunts are due their day to be honored.”

About Savvy Auntie
Savvy Auntie is the lifestyle destination designed for the nearly 50 percent of American women who are not moms but love the children in their lives. Founded in 2007 by lifestyle expert and now national bestselling author, Melanie Notkin, Savvy Auntie has become a phenomenon heralded by fabulous, kid-friendly women everywhere as a celebration of modern, cosmopolitan aunthood. Launched in 2008, SavvyAuntie.com is the Webby Award–nominated premier destination for aunts –dubbed “the first parenting site for non-parents.” SAVVY AUNTIE: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers and All Women Who Love Kids (Morrow/HarperCollins) was released earlier this spring and is a Wall Street Journal National Bestseller.

About Melanie Notkin
Melanie Notkin is America’s premier Savvy Auntie, empowering the nearly 50 percent of American women who are not moms to celebrate all they do for the children in their lives, while living their own lives to the fullest. As lifestyle expert and tastemaker, Auntie Melanie has been featured numerous times on CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX , as well as in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and NPR and is author of the national bestseller, SAVVY AUNTIE: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers and All Women Who Love Kids (Morrow/HarperCollins).  http://MelanieNotkin.com.

Dear Readers,

There are a series of milestones Western society views as steps a female takes toward full-fledged womanhood.  The first stage starts with the beginning of menstruation around age 12 ½, then goes on to the wearing of a bra, (the next items are in no particular order) then makeup, a driver’s license, losing virginity, getting a degree, finding a job…  and then the real clinchers, marriage and children.  The first is unavoidable. The next group, while not compulsory, is not unusual. The latter two, marriage and children, can be one’s choice to avoid, one’s choice to do, or one’s choice to hope for. But motherhood weighs the heaviest in attitudinal perception of womanhood.

In a new report published last month by Springer Science+Business Media, LLC:  ‘Unnatural’, ‘Unwomanly’, ‘Uncreditable’ and ‘Undervalued’: The Significance of Being a Childless Woman in Australian Society,  authors Stephanie Rich, Ann Taket, Melissa Graham, Julia Shelley Published studied the experiences of childless women in contemporary Australia. The study revealed five recurring themes:  woman = mother; notions of ‘natural’ and ‘unnatural’; childlessness as a discrediting attribute; feeling undervalued; and the significance of being childless.

With no American similar study of late, I was curious to learn what Australian women were experiencing whether they chose to be childless, whether they cannot conceive, or whether they, like me, were awaiting a mate with whom to have children. Like in Australia, more American woman are childless than ever before.  Over forty-seven percent of U.S. women are not mothers by age 45. And when we do have children, it’s later in life than ever before. The White House Report: Women in America (March 2011) reports that “there has been a steep rise in the share of women age 25–29 who have not had a child, rising from 31 percent in 1976 to about 46 percent in 2008.” Furthermore, the “likelihood of a woman having her first child at age 30 or older increased roughly six-fold from about 4 percent of all first-time mothers in the 1970s to 24 percent in 2007.” About one fifth of American women are childless between ages 40 and 44.

And yet, as the Australian study sets out to show, childlessness is not yet understood or seen as a norm. Western society is pronatalist. Our society expects people to get married and have children. Those who are not married and/or do not have children are considered anomalous. Having babies is perceived as natural; it’s what women do. The study states: “….womanhood and motherhood come to be seen as synonymous identities and facets of experience. Thus for women, parenting and the act of mothering are not only presented as desirable, but are in fact seen as the natural expression of their ‘femininity’. While motherhood has been recognized as mostly undervalued in society through holding little material or social status, non-motherhood is often granted even lower prestige. As such, the lives of Australian childless women are further influenced by prevailing motherhood discourses, in which women without the desire (voluntary), ability (involuntary) or opportunity (circumstantial) to have children, may be seen as abnormal and unfeminine.”

The effect on women is profound. In the first theme the researchers uncovered – ’ woman=mother’ -respondents felt that by their forties, they were presumed mothers, or presumed unhappy if known not to be. It’s assumed that if you are a woman, you are meant to be a mother. Period. Women are also made to feel that their bodies exist only as vessels for childbirth. Women in the study explained that moms even get to own the negative stuff, like stretch marks and sagging breasts. But these are changes that can occur to any woman who ages or doesn’t keep in shape. In effect, not being mothers affected the way society views these women’s adult-femininity.

The study shares how childless women are meant to feel ‘unnatural,’ when they reach a certain age. Until we are in our later fertility years, being childless is natural. Most would not say it’s natural for a young woman to be a mother at 14. Childlessness is the state in which a girl is born. But once she reaches her mid thirties, she is judged for that natural being. “It’s not natural!” is the popular refrain.

The women in the study also felt discredited for their childlessness.  Childlessness is an “attribute they felt was associated with being selfish, and having lesser care or compassion.” As the founder of Savvy Auntie, the media company designed for the nearly 50 percent of American women who love the children  in their lives but are not mothers themselves, I know for a fact that most women are generous, giving and full of compassion for children they did not give birth to. But yet, they are discredited for this simply because they are generous with other people’s kids, not their own.

Which is why the fourth theme resonates so much with me: “feeling undervalued.” First, in this pronatalist society, mothers are lifted to a new echelon in society, with popular refrains like “There’s no more important job than motherhood!”  In fact, the study states that “childless women have often been stereotyped as having either no time for, or spending no time with, children; consequently, they are perceived as having no understanding of children.”  Again, I can tell you from my research for my book, SAVVY AUNTIE, that this is blatantly untrue. In fact, I even given a name to the valuable time an aunt spends with a child because it’s that influential. I’ve dubbed it “QualAuntie Time.”

Finally, the significance of being labeled “childless” weighed on how the women in the study felt perceived by society. There is little positivity in the word; no one wants to be made to feel less than anything. (I have gone on to use the term “childfull” since Savvy Aunties choose to love the children in their lives. I realize it’s not a perfect solution, but it feels like a much more proactive state than being ‘less than’ anything.)

When I share the data about childlessness in America, many, even those focused on marketing to women, are surprised. The perception is that the societal norm for women is motherhood. Truth is, we’re only half way there.

To those who have anything in common with the women in this Australian study, let me assure you of this: babies are born from the womb, but maternity is born from the soul. There are many ways to mother. And when our society begins to view us as valuable and significant contributors to society and the American Family Village, we all win. Especially the children.

XOXO,
Melanie

Dear Readers,

Melanie Notkin and Christy Turlington at the Avon Fragrance Step into Sexy launch. Dimitrios Kambouris for Getty Images

There are many models in New York City.

We take the subway with them, marvel at their tall skinny legs in high waisted jeans as they walk up Spring Street, and we wonder if they are a bold face name we should know. Today, every model is deemed a supermodel. But we know that’s just not true.

If you were there in the 1990′s when the term “supermodel” became super popular befitting only the most prominent models like Linda Evangelista, Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell, then Claudia Schiffer and Kate Moss, you knew the name Christy Turlington. Christy was the kind looking one with the kind smile and kind eyes. Christy was all-the-way gorgeous, and you couldn’t imagine her looking older.

I met Christy recently at the Avon Fragrance “Step Into Sexy” launch at Beauty’s on Essex on New York City’s Lower East Side. Christy is the spokes-model for the fragrance which, having tested it, smells kind of perfect. It’s not to sweet, not too powdery. It’s a perfect, every day fragrance that can make your every day feel sexy.

Under the lamps and flashbulbs, Christy and I exchanged hellos and nice-to-meet-yous. I was in awe. She didn’t get older one bit. She’s simply stunning. And yes, true to her image, perfectly kind.

XOXO,

Melanie Notkin

Dear Readers,

UPDATE: This program has ended.

It’s true. I’m Smitten!

Smitten by Savvy Auntie is the new weekly deals program curated with love by me, Melanie Notkin, exclusively  for the Savvy Auntourage!

It’s true, there are a number of daily and weekly deals programs out there – but none are designed specifically for Savvy Aunties! I curate the deals that suit your Savvy Auntie lifestyle, best. Whether it’s great deals on gifts for your nieces and nephews, or a fabulous find just for you, I’ve got you in mind. And I only share deals with which I am truly Smitten.

The Smitten by Savvy Auntie weekly deals will be posted on SavvyAuntie.com weekly, as well as on Facebook.com/SavvyAuntie and on Twitter.com/SavvyAuntie. Soon, we’ll have a way for your to sign up for a weekly email to get Smitten right in your in box!

To find this week’s Smitten by Savvy Auntie deal, click here! Or bookmark this page and check back weekly for your chance to be Smitten too!  http://bit.ly/SmittenAuntie

I sat in the theater biting my tongue. In the newly released film, “I Don’t Know How She Does It” about the challenges of a working mother, Sarah Jessica Parker’s character Kate Reddy describes her female, child-phobic junior associate, Momo, as a “robot” and went on (and on) throughout the movie pointing out how ‘cold’ yet dedicated and hardworking she is.

Why is it that the modern mom can love children and her career but the childless woman can only love her career? And are cliché characters like Momo — played by actor Olivia Munn — reflective of a common antagonism overburdened moms have for those without children? In America today, has feminism morphed into mommyism? More importantly, are we all losing something because of it?

I became an aunt a decade ago, and from the moment I heard that my sister-in-law was expecting, I experienced the deepest, unconditional love for a child-not-my-own. Now, as Auntie Melanie to many more, there is nothing I would not do for my nephew and nieces. While not a mother myself due to circumstance — not choice — I have, and have always had, strong maternal instincts for children. And as the founder of SavvyAuntie.com, the community designed for the nearly 50 percent of American women who are not mothers but love the children in their lives, I see evidence of thoughtful and selfless dedication to others’ children every single day. A few in the tribe, what I’ve dubbed the “Savvy Auntourage,” even go as far as to take over as “ParAunt” when the mother can’t care for her children.

That’s why instead of labeling women without kids as “childless,” I prefer to say we’re “childfull” because we choose to love the children in our lives.

Yet, even in our modern, politically correct society, the auntie — when she is a woman without children of her own, is often made to seem cold, selfish, pathetic or “less than.” Or, she’s depicted as a high-flying, eccentric “Bon VivAunt” with little care for anyone or anything of true value. How can this woman, when everything she does for a child-not-her-own is a generous gift, ever be called selfish? How can this woman, who is every other woman in the United States, be an oddball?

Helen Gurley Brown asked similar questions about the single girl 50 years ago with her revolutionary 1962 book “Sex and the Single Girl.” “Nobody was championing [single women],” Brown said in a 1967 interview. “Volumes had been written about this creature, but they all treated the single girl like a scarlet-fever victim, a misfit, and . . . you can’t really categorize one-third of the female population [a figure that's only grown since then] as misfits.”

What we need is a movement that celebrates the culturally, politically and financially influential force that is the childless woman. Unmarried or married, gay or straight, and childless by choice, by circumstance, by biology or because of her stage of life, we are the other half of American women. For some pretty lucky kids, we’re also what I call PANKs: Professional Aunts No Kids.

There is something purely magical about the relationship between an aunt and the children in her life. But it’s more than just that universal visceral feeling children get from being around Auntie, and it’s certainly more important than the cool gifts we often shower on them. The magic we sprinkle on children is the exact kind that is critical to the children’s cognitive, social and emotional development — and their future academic success. Seemingly non-magical moments like reading to a niece, building a castle of blocks with a nephew, or even simply paying attention to a child are extraordinarily impactful. As Dr. Rosemarie Truglio, VP Research and Education, Sesame Workshop, explained to me: “Auntie time IS quality time.” Time not dedicated to chores, homework and quotidian things like eating and brushing teeth — things parents are obligated to ensure happens — but rather the joy of uninterrupted play, is what is so crucial here. I’ve since dubbed this time ‘QualAuntie Time.’

It’s not just time with the children that make Auntie’s role important. The PANK makes sacrifices, contributing to the family village indirectly by working later, on the weekend or on holidays (as depicted in the movie) so a co-worker mom can spend more time with her children. She may contribute part of her discretionary income toward a niece’s or nephew’s education, extra-curricular activities, even their first trip aboard. And while this woman may be highly valued within her immediate family and circle of friends, in the greater, national conversation about family, she is woefully underrepresented and under-appreciated. Sadly, she is often caricatured a stumbling, child-phobic “robot” that lacks any emotion or maternal instinct until the very moment she becomes a mother herself.

To draw a line between those with children and those without isn’t constructive and certainly doesn’t help the children.

Here’s the truth about aunthood. Unlike parents, aunts have no legal obligations. Aunthood is a gift. It’s a gift to the children who never suffer from too much love. It’s a gift to today’s overburdened parents who can always use more hands and hearts when it comes to their kids. And it’s a gift to us because it is one of the wonderful things that fills our lives with joy, love and purpose.

We do love the children in our lives. And in one way or another, we all contribute to a mom’s ability to do it all. Now isn’t that an idea we can all warm up to?

I admit I’m guilty of looking in the mirror and feeling grateful that there is not a wrinkle on my 42 year old filler-free face. I am even more thankful for a cluster of monthly zits, a possible sign that some of my more youthful hormones are still functioning. In the full-length mirror, I am proud of my svelte, toned body with a BMI of a healthy 30 year old. And I cherish the wide-eyed response when I openly reveal my age to anyone who cares.

I refuse to pack away hope of a still-fertile-self with my miniskirts and graphic Ts. While I surely know that I may not fall in love in time to conceive a child – (Assuming the man I love wants a child. Assuming the man I love can have children himself) – I will not give up hope.  And yes, I will look for signs that it’s still possible for me to have a baby by the only evidence I can see – a youthful reflection. (By the way, the younger me who wore miniskirts and graphic Ts was too young to learn about freezing her eggs and too close to her mom’s generation to believe that would ever be necessary anyway.)

I have everything else I could ever want. I’m building the company of my dreams. I have some of the most fantastic people in New York City in my circle of friends. I’ve crossed a few things off my bucket list (best-selling author, for example) and I am madly in love with my nephew and nieces. Aside from not getting married and having children, I am happy that I am living life to my fullest potential within my control.

“We warned you!”

But I live in a world of Schadenfreud, in all places, New York City, where women over 40 are as often single and childless as they are powerful, beautiful, and fit. This 40-something city-dweller, the woman who to others has everything (minus the husband (or wife) and baby), is picked on, curiously, by none other than the newspaper she loyally wakes up to every morning.

“Are You as Fertile as You Look?” sears the headline in last week’s The New York Times Thursday Styles section, one of several articles that paper and others have published in recent years on the growing group of women over 40 still hopeful they can have children – seemingly because fertility and infertility are fashionable topics these days – although I bet a story on male infertility would be found in Tuesday Health.  The story describes childless and child-hopeful 40 plus year old women who believe that their youthful appearance might be a reflection of their inner fertility goddess, making it easier to conceive at this later age once they’ve finally found the man they want to marry.  In a condescending manner, the piece (and many of the comments attributed to it) laughs at the subjects with gleeful “Schadenforty:” Their eggs are cooked; their wombs are vacant; their bet is lost; they waited too long.  The underlying truth is that some of those who succeed at love and children enjoy wagging a “we warned you” finger at the 40-something woman’s career, ability to pay for her home, clothing and occasional spa day, and her healthy-looking demeanor to say: “Who does she think she is? She’s naïve to think she’ll be able to have what we do.”

Like one of the experts the article cites in reference to “42 ½” year old Jennifer Aniston and her optimistic quotes alluding to having a baby one day, The New York Times wants to “reach over the table and throttle [us]” simply for being optimistic. By the way, I think Jennifer Aniston did her share of feeling throttled when the potential father of her children left her to have children with another woman. And was the “1/2” added to her 42 years an extra little ‘zets’ for thinking she could actually conceive with every passing month?

Between naiveté and pessimism

So why the kick when we’re down on luck and love? Let’s put aside that a healthy lifestyle can at the very least help, not hinder, the fertility of a woman in her later thirties and forties. And certainly keeping herself attractive can help her find a man with whom to try to get pregnant.  Plus a childless woman at 40 may have the earning potential to have saved enough money to afford IVF or other procedures to help preserve or extend her fertility. She’s prepped and ready to go when the light on love turns green.

The mind is a very powerful thing and so perhaps the most essential tool for preserving her fertility is found somewhere between the naiveté New York media would admonish her for, and complete cynical pessimism the same media would have her believe.  That happy medium is optimism and it’s what keeps us sane, hopeful and happy. While not a cure for infertility at any age, it’s a welcome ingredient when we’re finally able to get cooking. The hopeful optimism that one day an equally optimistic OBGYN will place a newborn infant on our chest, and welcome our legacy into the world with a high five for not letting anyone convince us it was impossible, is what we really see in the mirror.

The collective vitriol against women in their later years of fertility for their hope in being able to conceive is what’s getting old, while our happy optimism is keeping us 40-somethings young – and dare I say, wrinkle-free.

Aunties by Relation; Aunties by Choice; Great-Aunties; Godmothers; Cousin Aunties; Long-Distance Aunties; StepAunties; Single Aunties; Married Aunties; ParAunts (aunts who become the parent when one or both parents is no longer able); Straight Aunts, LesbiAunts; Teen Aunties; Child Aunties; Special-Needs Aunties; Teacher or Coach Aunties; Nanny Aunties; Fairy GodAunties; and Aunties to the World – the BenevolAunts who give so much to children they’ve never met. And there are also the Bon VivAunts, the GourmAunts, the BohemiAunts, the ConfidAunts, the Aunt-Rageous Rocker Aunties, the Crafty Aunties, and the eco-loving Auntie Earth among others. What a diverse group of positive influences for America’s children!

Unfortunately, our contributions to the American Family Village often go unnoticed and under-appreciated. My second mission was to change that.

QualAuntie Time

Unlike parenting, there is no legal obligation to ‘aunt.’ The time we spend with our nieces and nephews is most often always quality time, unencumbered by parental duties like making sure the kids have brushed their teeth, made their beds, done their homework (not to say aunts don’t help with that too when they can). I’ve dubbed this time “QualAuntie Time.”

When I asked Dr. Rosemarie Truglio, VP Education and Research, Sesame Workshop, how an Auntie can help develop the minds of our young nieces and nephews, she simply replied: “You’re already doing it.” By playing with our nieces and nephews, reading to them, even just chatting with them before they can even talk, we are helping them learn, she said. Just by being Auntie, we’re helping!

Baking cookies with a niece? That’s math and science. Constructing railroad tracks with a nephew? That’s helping develop his motor dexterity and his understanding of spatial relations. To that end, Zero to Three, a nonprofit organization that fosters early childhood education, recommends an hour of unstructured play for a young child each day (e.g. tea parties, role-playing, puppet shows). All that pretending actually helps lay the groundwork for developing literacy down the line. And when mom has a newborn to care for, QualAuntie Time with the older sibling(s) is very important since mom may not have an hour to devote to uninterrupted play with her other kids.

If mom or dad is unable to take the all the kids outside (too hot or cold for baby, sick, or busy with homework or chores) Auntie can take the others out to play. Kids need more time outside because it helps reduce stress (yes, even little kids have stress), and being in nature – even the backyard – helps keep their minds focused (studies show kids with ADHD are more likely to do better in green settings than industrial ones.)

Even on a rainy day, for kids over the age of two, QualAuntie Time spent co-viewing children’s television or a video, sharing lessons learned during and after the show, is more productive than mom leaving the child in front of the TV to go about her necessary household duties. But if watching a lot of TV or video can actually infringe on their vocabulary, reading to babies and toddlers can increase it. Aunties who read a favorite book to their niece or nephew (over and over again) are helping the child learn new words. Pointing out the pictures on the pages helps develop a baby’s understanding of shapes, colors, counting, and emotions.

Aunthood is a Gift

Aunts by relation or choice give of their discretionary income and time to children-not-their-own in their immediate lives, in their communities and around the world every single day. Every boo boo they kiss, every little hand they hold, every hug they give is a gift. And as far as the other kinds of gifts – the kind tied up with a bow – are concerned, an Auntie will often stretch her budget to put a smile on the face of a niece or nephew on birthdays or the holidays. She’s also more likely to jump on a plane for Thanksgiving than expect a family of four to travel to her.

Aunts not only give directly. When a co-worker mom leaves work early to tend to a sick child, or when that big assignment is due and working late or over the weekend is necessary, a childless woman is (often expected to be) the one to pick up the extra work so moms can have family time. While indirect, aunts deserve to be appreciated for their contributions to the American Family Village in this way too.

These are just some of the ways aunts give of themselves selflessly.

Sunday, July 24th, 2011 marks the third annual Auntie’s Day^TM. Like the tradition of Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and Grandparent’s Day, it’s a day to honor and celebrate the women in the American Family Village who love and give to children not-their-own. On Sunday, give the Auntie in your child’s life a call, send her a card, or acknowledge her in whatever way you can to say thank you.

Aunthood is a gift. This day is theirs. And they deserve it.

Nearly 46 percent of American women through age 44 are childless. That’s up from 35 percent in 1976.

All reasons this generation of women are not bearing children at the same rate their mothers did are valid. Some young women and just not at a point in their lives where motherhood is choice they’d like to make. Some are ‘fence-sitters,’ not sure about whether or not they want children. Some are childfree by choice. Some are gay and need to take a potentially longer and less traditional route to motherhood. Some are suffering from biological infertility. And some, like me, are what I call “circumstantially infertile.”

I want children. I always have. At age 12 I purchased baby name books in preparation for the son and twin daughters I dreamed to be a mother to one day. I was a nanny, camp counselor and frequent babysitter. I would make up songs to sing to the kids I babysat that would become ‘our thing’ or visit the kids even when I wasn’t officially working for their parents. By age 21, I was hosting teen tour girls in my home. Motherhood was always a path I felt ready for.

At age 23, when interviewing for my first job in New York City, I inquired about maternity benefits to make sure it was the right place for me. I focused my career in the non-profit sector, hoping it would give me more flexibility in dating, marriage and motherhood. I dated men with traditional family values, men who have since gone on be fruitful and multiply.

By my mid-thirties, now in my third job working for some of the best companies in the world to make enough money to live in New York City, I was still unmarried. I wasn’t a mother. My work hours were longer, some days were spent overseas, and I was beginning to suffer the prejudice of being an ‘older’ woman. At 34, I was approached by a male who friend who said he wanted to set me up with a friend our age but I was just ‘too old.’ At 35, a man said he would date me if I agreed to freeze my eggs. At age 36, another man told me he’d (reluctantly) date me since I could probably still ‘pop one out.’ Now we all know these are exceptional instances but they were nevertheless embedded in my psyche.

The grief over not only not being a mother, but now also suffering from feeling ‘less than’ because I just simply hadn’t found love (or mutual love), was at times overwhelming. And as I saw couples younger than I getting sympathy for their biological infertility, I wondered why all I got was accusations of not doing enough, not trying hard enough. Trying too hard. Being too picky. Not being picky enough… And the hardest comment to defend: “You better hurry up!” (Hurry up and fall in love?)

While I have not suffered from biological infertility (as far as I know), I imagined my grief was at least as deep as couples trying to conceive as I didn’t have a love who shared the grief. Heck, I often didn’t even have a date to get closer to trying! Every month that passed, I grieved a loss. But I grieved alone. I have no husband (or male partner) to grieve with me. And lamenting my infertility to close friends who are parents or to family was never well-received.

Generation X is the first generation of women who have a choice to wait for love. Unlike many of our mothers, we earn enough to take care of ourselves (please don’t call us ‘career women’ as careers are as much a choice for women as they are for men.) But still, the assumption is still that all women who don’t have children don’t want children. There is a place between motherhood and choosing not to be a mother. And tens of millions of American women are there.

I’m 42 and still single and I have come to acknowledge the truth: it’s very possible I won’t have children of my own. I’ve grieved and have found my happiness on the other side. There are days that are still hard for me (Mother’s Day, the day a friend announces her pregnancy, when I hear a guy won’t date me because I’m too old to have kids, my birthdays, my monthly reminder…) but most days I’m happy. Very happy. I’m not in the wrong life being the wrong wife and trying to get out. I have no regrets.

My circumstances have left me infertile but they have not left me non-maternal. I love the children in my life with boundless adoration. If I was not meant to be a mother to 2.1 kids, then perhaps I was meant to be motherly to many more. From a girl in Tanzania I’ve adopted as a niece and email with many times a week, to the little ones down the hall in my apartment building, and of course to my amazing nephew and nieces by relation, I am an aunt.
I’m not childless, I’m childfull. I’m not a mother but I am maternal.

My infertility is circumstantial but my life is not barren. And to the women who are on the other side of hope, know that you are more powerful than your womb. You are maternal whether or not maternity ever comes. You are a woman and your love and how you choose to offer and receive it, is a gift.

And you’re not alone.

XOXO,
Auntie Melanie