Originally published in Huffington Post

Dear Savvy Aunties,

If you’re like me, and always aspired and expected to be a mother, Mother’s Day, and the days that precede it, can be a heavy time. With continuous Mother’s Day promotions and news stories featuring moms of all ages, shapes and sizes (“It’s the hardest job in the world!”), the day can make us feel left out and less-than. For some, Mother’s Day is a harsh reminder that the dream of motherhood has not (yet) come true.

I recently asked the Savvy Auntie® Facebook community how Mother’s Day makes them feel. Some of the honest and heartfelt responses included: feeling empty, incomplete, sad, lonely and left behind; unimportant, neglected, “anxious about my ticking clock,” “not in the club that I assumed I would be in” and “like I’m sitting in a great cloud of sadness — it’s just the most awful day.”

There’s no doubt that mothers deserve their day to be celebrated and honored. I think of my own late mother on Mother’s Day and how I am still grateful 23 years after she’s gone to have had such an amazing mom. But for the nearly 50 percent of American women who are childless, especially those who desire motherhood, Mother’s Day can feel like our contributions to the children in our lives — and for some, even children around the world — are overlooked and unacknowledged.

Being a mother and being maternal are not always the same thing. As one Savvy Auntie commented, “On one hand, I would have loved to have had kids, but on the other, I’m very blessed that the five kiddos who call me aunt are very much a part of my life.” And we all know mothers who would rather not have had children (or should not have had children). Still, the former group aches with prideful love with the birth of a niece or nephew — or any child born to a close friend or relative. They care for these children as they grow and develop with unconditional love and support. I even came up with a term for the value of the time a childless aunt spends with a child. I’ve dubbed it “QualAuntie Time” because the uninterrupted playtime during Auntie’s visit has been proven to support the emotional, social and intellectual development of children.

Every moment an aunt by relation or aunt by choice spends with nieces and nephews is filled with her generosity of spirit and devotion. After all, unlike parenting, there is no legal obligation to “aunt.”Every little boo boo she kisses, every little hand she holds, every word of advice she offers, is done with maternal love and is a gift.

In the spirit of Anna Jarvis, the childless aunt of many nieces and nephews, who founded Mother’s Day in 1914 in honor of all mothers, living or dead, I hope all the maternal women in children’s lives – all the aunts, great-aunts, godmothers and women in general who offer their love to children not-their-own — are remembered this Mother’s Day.

Babies are born from the womb. Maternity is born from the soul. There are many ways to mother.

As the founder of Savvy Auntie, the lifestyle brand for all the cool aunts, great-aunts, godmothers and all women who love kids, I founded Auntie’s Day® in 2009 to honor and celebrate all that these women do for the children in their lives. Occurring annually on the fourth Sunday in July, the fourth annual Auntie’s Day will take place on Sunday, July 22.

XOXO,
Melanie Notkin
Founder and Author, Savvy Auntie

OK ladies, take a breath. You’re not the only ones hoping to have a baby or who have given birth to a second or even third child after your fortieth birthday. In fact, you’re part of a growing trend of women who do.

According to a new study published by National Health Statistics Reports entitled “Fertility of Men and Women Aged 15-44 Years in the United States: National Survey of Family Growth, 2006-2010,” there has been a steep rise in the number of women who gave birth to their first child at age 35-44 who have at least two children — rising from 26 percent in 1995 to nearly 40% at the time of the report. In fact, the mean number of births to women ages 15-44 is 1.3, but for women who have a child between ages 40 and 44, the mean number of births jumps to 2.1.

Perhaps not surprisingly, nearly 60% of those who did not finish high school were teen mothers compared with just 4% percent of those who have earned a college degree. But on the other side of the spectrum, women who give birth to their first child over age 35 are likely to be college-educated.

Childless women are also among the wealthiest women in America. Nearly half of the women in the highest income category (300% or higher of poverty level) were childless compared with 24% of those in the lowest income category (0-149% of poverty level). (By the way, among mothers, two children seem to be best bet; 25% of women who had a household income of 300% or higher of poverty level had two children.)

But what are women who have higher education and higher income waiting for before becoming mothers? It seems love and marriage. Eighty percent of unmarried women are childless. And of those who are childless, 81 percent plan or hope to have children one day. Only 14 percent of childless women are voluntarily childless, meaning they have no intention of voluntarily having children. About 5 percent are unable to have children.

But Gladys Martinez, PhD and author of the report, told me in an interview that things are changing. “An increasing percentage of women are no longer linking marriage with childbearing,” she said. In fact, love is enough for 22% of women whose first births “occurred within cohabiting unions, up from 12% in 2002.” Still, college-educated, wealthier women are more likely to be married at the time of their first birth, late as it may have come.

Women are waiting for the circumstances to be right before motherhood. Yes, that may include education and income, but that’s hardly all. Given the world of information they have at the time, women make decisions about their fertility and having a man with whom to have children is part of the picture.

Marriage and unions may look different today than they did even a decade ago, but some things never change. Most women are waiting for love before deciding to become mothers. And when it does come, even at late age, many women end up with the 2.1 children they dreamed of. This is the happy ending many women were dreaming of, even if it comes later in their life story than expected.

I’ve always loved my birthday – ever since I was about 4 years old and aware it existed. Over the years, getting older has never been a deterrent from celebrating the day, or the life behind it.

The last few years have been the most significant of my life. Clearly the year my mother died was pivotal. The year moved to New York City was notable, no doubt. And the year I became an aunt – well you know what that led to.

But as I turn 43 and look back at the last 4 or 5 years as I started Savvy Auntie, I realize that no decision in my life has been more meaningful. I wouldn’t say my decision to start my own company was ‘life changing.’ It was “life-realizing.” I began to realize my potential. I began to realize my life’s meaning. I began to realize the authenticity (and universality) of my vulnerabilities and the power of my ability to act on them.

I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin. I have never felt more beautiful or more confident. I have never felt more like the “me” I was supposed to be until now.

And while one may look at this time as “middle age,” I hardly see the center of my lifespan. I see the beginning – the very beginning of my true, authentic life. I’m just getting to the starting line and the race has just begun. I’m the only one on the track; there’s no competition about who will be the better me. The only way I can lose is if I stop.

So I keep going. And I celebrate every turn, every mile, every milestone.

Today I celebrate my life. My authentic journey. There’s no stopping me now.

XOXO,

Melanie Notkin

Photo by the amazing Ana Schechter

Dear Readers,

I’m not feeling well. Over the past few days, my stomach has been feeling kind of queasy and I’ve had a certain malaise about me.  My mood has been a little off and I’m just not as focused as I usually am.

This morning, it hit me harder, like it’s been building up and building up. It was while scanning Facebook and Twitter, blogs and news sites that I realized what has gotten me feeling so very out of sorts, and giving me what I think might be a case of mild depression. This constant barrage of aggression toward women and our liberties  — and I don’t mean that with a lean to the left – I mean that with lean toward humanity — is really, truly, honestly affecting me. I am literally getting sick from it.

American women are being besieged by arrogant men telling us we’re sluts and prostitutes. Today I heard that single mothers are child abusers and that sixth graders are asking each other which of their classmates was attractive enough to rape.

Yesterday, a young mother I know was at a client’s home getting ready to leave after completing her work for the day. The client’s 17 year old stepson called for her as she was leaving. She obliged in the way caring women want to help a teenage boy. As she got to his doorway, he dropped his pants, held out his unit and told her what he wanted her to do to it. Thank God she was able to run. But the memory is something she cannot run away from fast enough.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?

To the men who think this is just political discourse, it is not. Your boys are listening and are now thinking it’s ok to rape women physically or with their words of intent. Stop. Stop with the vitriol. And frankly, I don’t care what side of the aisle you sit on. Stop getting off on telling women you are judging our morality and taking pleasure in victimizing us.

Don’t hide behind politics or behind religion. Instead, use your manhood to get in front of the daughters and nieces and friends and wives and all the women you love, and protect them from this emotional and sometimes physical bullying. It’s going too far. It must stop now.

If this whole thing is getting to a perfectly sane, grown woman for whom birth control and single motherhood are not direct issues, then imagine what it’s doing to the women at whom these men are directly wagging their misogynistic fingers. And imagine the girls and women who are becoming victims of the laissez faire “it’s just politics as usual” rhetoric. This discourse is having implications that are no longer political. They are very personal.

And they are making me sick.

Melanie Notkin
CEO SavvyAuntie.com

When a woman is over age 30, single and childless, people want to know why. Not just her doting parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Not just the college roommate whose bridal and baby showers she threw ten or fifteen years earlier. Not just her married mom friends chiding her to get on the bandwagon. Not just her co-workers. Not just the nosy neighbor down the street. Just about everyone is just dying to know: What is she waiting for?

But it doesn’t seem to matter what her response is because before they’ve finished asking the question, the same inquisitors have already added their own reasoning: “Are you too focused on your career?” Or, “Well, you are a career woman.”

The term “career woman,” for which there is no male equivalent (ever hear of a “career man?”), has taken on a pejorative meaning to women who have not chosen a career over having children. Assuming she’s made a choice to focus on her career instead of getting married (or finding a life partner) and having children with that partner is a punch in the gut to the amazing single woman who wants to be a mother. It implies the stereotype that she’s cold-hearted, selfish or just completely naïve or in denial about her fertility lifespan. The only proof to the widely-assumed claim that her career is her ultimate focus is that she’s got a job.

The “career woman” is a relic of the Women’s Liberation Movement fifty years ago, when a woman who sought a career was an anomaly or judged for making what many believed to be a radical political statement of feminism. But today, there are more women in the workforce than men. It’s hardly a feminist statement to have a job. At the very least, it’s a statement of being a responsible member of society who pays her bills.

Of course, some women do choose to pursue their careers in lieu of being a working mother, or delay motherhood for a couple of years because they feel they need to in order to stay competitive in their industries. Some women believe that their dedication to their career, and the good that they are building through their work, is their ultimate legacy — Oprah Winfrey certainly comes to mind. And some women have absolutely no interest in becoming mothers, their careers notwithstanding.

But as a woman who always yearned to be a mother, and as one who has been called a “feminist career woman,” because I am childless, I can tell you that the “career woman” myth is anachronistic at best, hurtful at worst. And any way you slice it, proven to be simply incorrect.

A recent study by the Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology Canada reports that when women were asked about their decision to conceive their first child, 97 percent said that had been waiting to be in a “secure relationship” before having children. Less than 30 percent cited “career goals” as being “very important” to the decision. A similar study, in Australia’s Journal of Population Health, reports that childless women in their thirties want to have children, but cannot due to reasons “beyond their control.” Specific reasons cited include: “not having a partner, not having a stable relationship, or with a partner that did not want children.”

Making the choice to wait for love, marriage and a stable relationship is the most common reason why most single women who want to be mothers are not mothers, barring a biological fertility challenge. So next time you are about to ask a thirty-something friend why she hasn’t become a mother yet — don’t.

We all know that it can be incredibly challenging for couples going through infertility. But single women who yearn to be mothers too go through their own heartache. They are waiting for their future life partner to come into their lives before they can even begin to try to conceive. While their infertility is circumstantial, it can be just as difficult as each month passes. But because their grief is not commonly understood, it’s often brushed aside with comments that, while are often meant to help, are hurtful.

I asked the Savvy Auntourage, the SavvyAuntie.com community on Facebook, some (not all) of whom are single, no kids, but adore their nieces and nephews, about the comments that have been made to them that were particularly insensitive. I discovered a few common themes:

You Can’t Hurry Love

There are more single women (and men) in their late twenties, thirties and forties than ever before. They understand well that their fertility has a lifespan. Waiting for love is a completely valid reason to be single and not a mother. But for some single women, it means pressure from friends and family to settle.

“So when are you going to have some kids? You know you’re not getting any younger!” As if our biological clocks aren’t ticking with the volume of 10 atomic bombs! – Q.D.

“I mean you do realize that you’re running out of time… Do you really think you have any good eggs left?” – A.R.

“You’re wasting all your childbearing years.” M.H.

“Tick tock, tick tock.” – A.E.

“You know your eggs are shriveling up and dying, right?” – R.A.

“Maybe you should freeze some of your eggs just in case?” – K.D.

“You better hurry up if you want to have kids! –A.K.

“You should lower your standards on a man if you ever want to get married and have kids.” – J.H.

“Maybe you’ll find someone who doesn’t want kids.” – J.K.

“At this age you may have to settle down with a man who already has kids.”- K.D.

“You can always use a donor egg if you have none left.” – A.L.

“You are 35 and have never been pregnant?? Are you gay? Are you sure you can even have kids?” – T.D.

They used to say: “Don’t worry about it, you have plenty of time! Good for you, waiting for the right guy!” Then they started saying: “Maybe you shouldn’t be so picky…” and now they just don’t say anything.  – A.S.

The Grass is Greener

Sure, there are some advantages to not having children. I love my quiet cup of coffee on a Sunday morning. But the single women who responded here would take all the challenges that come with marriage and kids in a minute in order to have the love and children they always dreamed of.

“At least you don’t have to worry about midnight feedings” ?And “At least you can still enjoy your freedom.” – J.K.

When married friends stop inviting you to their parties and tell mutual friends, “Well, it’s a couples thing and she is single…” or “She doesn’t have kids…” or the worse, “I think she might have a thing for my husband…” Please! Just because I’m single and don’t have any kids does not mean I want your husband! The fact that I am single and have no kids does not mean that I am anti-social or that I am promiscuous or desperate. – C.L.

“Don’t you think you’re being a little selfish doing all those things (referring to work, hobbies, etc)? I mean, what will you do when you have children? You are having children, right?!” – M.H.

On Our Own

There are more options for single women to become mothers today, but that doesn’t mean the choices are simple to make. For instance, I saw a number of “just adopt”- style comments. It’s incredibly difficult for a single woman to adopt, (ask Jillian Michaels, a celebrity, who seems to be finding it tough), never mind the cost. Many women want to conceive their own biological children, just like couples suffering from infertility and working so hard to conceive, do. And having a biological baby on one’s own brings its own set of challenges. Single women are able to evaluate and make choices on their own, just as couples do.

“Have you looked into adoption?” N.P.

I wouldn’t mind being a single mom since Mr. Right hasn’t found his way into my life and I’m getting older. I just hate hearing: “Are you sure you can handle doing it all by yourself? Are you sure you’re making the right decision? Do you know how much that costs? Do you think your body can handle it?” As if it would be any different if I got pregnant traditionally. – T.N.

“You’re a woman; it can’t be THAT hard to get knocked up.” – T.S.

“If you want a baby so bad why don’t you just go hook up with a good looking guy and not use birth control?!” While I have no problem being a strong independent single mama, I couldn’t A) Just use a guy like that without his consent and B) I don’t have sex unless I’m in a committed, loving relationship or marriage. Their reply? “Well if you want a baby bad enough you’ll have to be willing to bend and yield a bit” ugh! – K.W.

Which brings us to….

If You Really Wanted to Be a Mother….

While she waits for love, the single woman is questioned about her desire to be a mom.

“Every woman should want to be a mother.” J.D.

“You are such a great aunt, why don’t you have children of your own?” – Q.J.

“Why don’t you have kids? You look healthy to me.” – T.B.

“Well you never wanted a baby anyway, right?” –M.T.

“Why don’t you have kids?” Curiously followed by: “Why aren’t you married?” – C.L.

“Quit waiting for Mr. Right, and settle for Mr. Right Now. You don’t need a man to be a good mom, just get pregnant.” – M.J.

“You should stay in your (emotionally abusive, jealous and overall toxic) relationship. At least you could get a baby out of him…” S.C.

“You really don’t seem like you’d be too bad of a mother; you should give it a shot.”

Mean Spirited

And then there are the just plain mean and snarky comments.

“Since you’re not dating I got you a gift certificate to the sperm bank. I really want to be an uncle before I’m dead” – T.B.

“Do you know how old you will be when your children graduate? Do you want to be at your child’s wedding?  Is it even legal to have children at your age”? – T.M.

“Since you’re not using your eggs anytime soon, why not just give them away?” (It’s not something you expect someone to say right after you just broke up a guy.) – M.P.

“Maybe if you lost weight you could find a man and have kids.” – T.B.

“Wow! You’re taking this whole ‘saving the planet’ thing a little too seriously, don’t you think?” – H.V.C.

“I’m sure your parents are disappointed that you don’t have kids.” – T.B.

“Is there something wrong with you?” – P.J.

Be among the first corporate  sponsors of the Fourth Annual Auntie’s Day, the national holiday to celebrate aunts, godmothers and all women who love children not-their-own.

AUNTIE’S DAY Sponsorship Kit

Fourth Annual “Auntie’s Day™” is Sunday July 22th, 2012
National Holiday Honoring Aunts and Godmothers, Sponsored by Savvy Auntie®

‘Aunthood is a Gift. This Day is Yours.’

NEW YORK—January 9, 2012—Melanie Notkin, lifestyle expert, founder of SavvyAuntie.com,  and author of national bestseller, SAVVY AUNTIE: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers and All Women Who Love Kids (Morrow/HarperCollins) announces the date for the fourth annual national holiday honoring and celebrating aunties and godmothers. Auntie’s Day will be celebrated on Sunday, July 22nd, 2012.

Auntie’s Day, sponsored by Savvy Auntie, is a time to thank, honor and celebrate the aunt in a child’s life, whether she is an Auntie by Relation (ABR), Auntie by Choice (ABC), or godmother, for everything she does for a child not-her-own. An estimated 50 percent of American women do not have children but still devote discretionary time and income to their nieces, nephews, godchildren and other kids. Notkin has dubbed this powerful and influential segment of American women PANKs® – Professional Aunts No Kids.

On Auntie’s Day – a ‘Mother’s Day’ for aunts – aunts and godmothers will be celebrated with special activities and gifts. The official Auntie’s Day web destination (www.AuntiesDay.com) will feature ideas on how parents and nieces and nephews can celebrate the Savvy Auntie in their lives and how aunts can pamper and treat themselves on their special day. In honor of the day, Savvy Auntie will also host promotions for aunties on Twitter at http://Twitter.com/SavvyAuntie, and on Facebook: http://Facebook.com/SavvyAuntie.

“It’s time that all women in the American Family Village are honored for their selfless giving to the children in their lives,” said Notkin. “An aunt is there to provide ‘QualAuntie Time’ and experiences as a loving caregiver and “ConfidAunt” to her nieces and nephews from the day they are born and as they grow up. Many women without children of their own also give tirelessly to children all over the world. These BenevolAunts are due their day to be honored.”

About Savvy Auntie
Savvy Auntie is the lifestyle destination designed for the nearly 50 percent of American women who are not moms but love the children in their lives. Founded in 2007 by lifestyle expert and now national bestselling author, Melanie Notkin, Savvy Auntie has become a phenomenon heralded by fabulous, kid-friendly women everywhere as a celebration of modern, cosmopolitan aunthood. Launched in 2008, SavvyAuntie.com is the Webby Award–nominated premier destination for aunts –dubbed “the first parenting site for non-parents.” SAVVY AUNTIE: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers and All Women Who Love Kids (Morrow/HarperCollins) was released earlier this spring and is a Wall Street Journal National Bestseller.

About Melanie Notkin
Melanie Notkin is America’s premier Savvy Auntie, empowering the nearly 50 percent of American women who are not moms to celebrate all they do for the children in their lives, while living their own lives to the fullest. As lifestyle expert and tastemaker, Auntie Melanie has been featured numerous times on CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX , as well as in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and NPR and is author of the national bestseller, SAVVY AUNTIE: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers and All Women Who Love Kids (Morrow/HarperCollins).  http://MelanieNotkin.com.